About a decade ago as a young teen, I watched a documentary called “Dreams of a Life”.
A woman, Joyce Carol Vincent spent her entire life faking a personality, her happiness and had a strong yearning to fit into society or even stand out. She loved, but was never truly loved back in return. In the end she lost herself and in consequence lost everything. She secluded herself from everyone, dying alone in her apartment, going unnoticed for two years. At the time I was horrified, my nightmare was that I would end up like her, but I was so drawn to her story and I had no idea why. Only now I realise why I researched and watched this documentary over and over. She reminded me of myself. My biggest fear was inside of me this whole time.
I carry around a deep sadness and it doesnt matter how much I fake my happiness, it’s always lingering next to me. Its hands on my shoulders, whispering. My mind and heart always feel so heavy, and the older I get, the harder it is becoming to pretend I am ok.
There are billions of humans in this world. What if some of us are not meant for life. Maybe that’s why some of us feel so heavy and so full of burden and sadness. I just don’t think I’m meant for this life. Some days I feel so much joy and I remember that nothing gold can stay, that’s why we should wait for the good times. Other times everything is too much and I feel like I am drowning and I would pray for nothing more than for the ground to swallow me whole, to completely vanish and turn into nothingness. Everything is too much and I have been feeling this way since I can remember.
I don’t feel like I have ever truly been loved, and that’s not anyones fault. I am very hard to understand and a difficult person. I truly believe people just put up with me and I feel so guilty about that. I cant say that my family dont because if anything was to happen to me I know it would break their hearts if they thought I believed this as the truth. I wouldnt wish depression or suicidal thoughts on anyone, not even those who have hurt me in such a deep way. I have everything and nothing at all.